I’ve been working for the same company since I moved to Cincinnati 13 years ago. Sticking it out for so long has been similar in many ways to sticking it out in a relationship. There have been some highs, some lows, and maybe I should have left a long time ago, but certain things have kept me from moving on.

I work in accounting, and I don’t hate it. I chose it because it’s a field that will always be needed in any industry. Plus, I’ve always been pretty decent at math, and there are many aspects of accounting I can admit to enjoying. For example, following a process knowing it will lead you to a specific result is so satisfying, especially when you have to do a little research to discover your answer. The feeling finding that answer gives is akin to winning a prize.

Did I mention it also pays fairly well?

The job security I’ve had up to this point has also been detrimental to me in many ways, though. For one, I let myself get stuck in the same position for years. I was bored, but I wasn’t pursuing my passion, so I was content with just having a job that I thought would always be there. Last year, I finally pursued a promotion, but I’ve spent the time since feeling so out of sorts and lacking so much confidence within my new responsibilities. Now, sometimes my job makes me feel so overwhelmed, stressed out, and anxious that I can barely get myself to do anything, which makes it super difficult to pursue all those creative avenues I love.

I’ve dabbled in acting over the years. I’ve played around with many forms of media throughout my life, from making jewelry to drawing and painting. I’ve also loved writing for as long as I can remember. It’s the one thing I always come back to, even when I’ve lost it or neglected it for a time. It helps me process my feelings and thoughts, and the fact that I haven’t been doing it enough for a long time probably explains a lot.

I’m not going to lie; I like making money. I never wanted to be the starving artist type. But I’ve always heard people suggest, “If you’re not pursuing it, you must not want it enough,” and I took that to heart. I figured I must not want anything enough because there wasn’t anything I could think of pursuing that I was willing to give up everything for. Fear has always held me back.

But what does one do with that? Have I just not found my niche or am I doomed to be indifferent to the world forever?